The 9 lives of Walter White (plus 3)

Who would have thought making meth could be so dangerous?

Certainly not Breaking Bad science teacher/cancer victim Walter White. When he got into the drug-making biz four short seasons ago, he never imagined he’d end up killing, poisoning and exploding all who stood in his way.

But what are you going to do. This Meth business is as competitive as it is lucrative. You’ve got to be creative. Or you die. Walt knows that now. He’s already used up his nine lives. Heck, he’s on number 13 now by my count – give or take a car crash and airplane collision:

1) Walt gets a cancer diagnosis. He decides to make and sell meth to give his growing family something to live on when he’s dead. By the time he finds out he’s in remission, it’s just a little too late to get out of his new business venture.

2) Partner Jesse is forced at gunpoint to lead drug dealer Crazy 8 to Walt’s meth-cooking RV. But Walt delays his own execution by volunteering to show Crazy 8 how to make the high grade drug. It’s a trap (well, duh!). Walt creates a poisonous gas that takes out the bad guy.

3) With an RV full of meth, poisoned Crazy 8 and the sound of approaching police, Walt tries to blow his brains out. No dice. The sirens prove to be fire trucks. Walt decides to live. Of course, now there’s that problem with the vengeful, poisoned Crazy 8. What to do…:

4) After Jesse is beaten up by psycho drug lord Tuco (This industry attracts the worst people!) Walt adopts his tough alter ego Heisenberg and approaches Tuco about buying his high grade meth. Tuco laughs and threatens Walt. But it’s a trap (See a pattern here?). Walt has switched the meth for explosive wachamacallit, blowing Tuco’s place to smithereens. A deal is struck:

5) Tuco kidnaps Walt and Jesse (Why? He’s a psycho, remember?). But when they escape, they are interrupted by DEA agent Hank – Walt’s oblivious brother-in-law. Hank shoots Tuco dead, saving Walt and Jesse a lot of trouble. They escape unseen. Later, Walt walks into a grocery store naked mumbling to himself to explain his disappearance. Guess he has been under a lot of stress lately.

6) With DEA Hank closing in on Walt/Heisenberg, things look bleak for our entrepreneurial science teacher. So Walt hires sleazy lawyer Saul to find a criminal patsy to claim he’s Heisenberg, shutting down the investigation altogether and saving Walt’s wrinkly butt once more. Saul is one good “bad” lawyer. Here’s some Saul highlights:

7) Jesse’s girlfriend Jane gets him back into drugs. Doing drugs – not just selling them. Walt refuses to give Jesse his meth money until he’s clean. Jane threatens Walt with revealing his identity. But when Walt finds his partner wacked out and Jane choking on her vomit, he sees an opportunity. Walt lets Jane die. Problem solved, right? Well no. This decision leads to a fatal airline accident because…well…it’s complicated. Let’s just say life can be funny sometimes:

8) Walt makes a deal with the even more powerful drug dude Gus (who is psycho in a friendly, quiet sort of way). Meanwhile, dead Tuco’s creepy cousins come looking for Walt. They break into his bedroom – ax in hand – while he showers. Gus steps in to stop the hit with a timely phone call and Walt escapes death again – without even knowing it.

9) DEA Hank finds clues leading to a missing Jesse and the meth RV. Walt rushes to dispose of the RV only to find Jesse living in it. Hank shows up – trapping them inside. His life on the line, Walt fools Hank with a phone call – claiming Hank’s wife is in the hospital. Hank leaves and Jesse and Walt destroy the RV and all evidence of who they really are. Who are they exactly?

10) Gus plans to kill Walt once after he trains another lab guy, Gale, how to make his high-quality meth. So Walt gets Jesse to kill Gale so Gus can’t kill Walt. Afterall, he’s the only one who knows how to make the high-grade meth. Tricky. Walt has a real aptitude for this business.

11) After being crippled in a drug hit, Hank enlists Walt to drive him around on his continued investigation of Heisenberg. That’s right – Hank is looking for the guy driving his car! Following a lead to Walt’s secret drug lab – in a Laundromat – the jig appears up. But Walt crashes the car, ending the search and giving him time to set the Laundromat a-blaze.

12) To get Jesse on his side against Gus, Walt poisons Jesse’s girlfriend’s kid and blames it on Gus. Wow Walt. That’s cold. Walt and Jesse kill Gus in a retirement home bomb triggered by Tuco’s stroke victim uncle – who hates Gus even more than Walt. Beware this clip. It’s unsettling: