NBC’s planned remake of Dracula seems like it’s coming a little late to the blood-sucking party. That doesn’t mean it can’t be good. Indeed, with creepy sexy Jonathan Rhys Meyers (The Tudors) on board, we may finally be getting some old school vampire action.
Could be refreshing. The modern vampire – with his pasty face and just-wanna-be-loved angst – is now a cliche. My hope is this new Dracula will bring back a few of the Count’s more classic quirks. Here are a few suggestions on what the new Dracula should avoid (and embrace):
TEEN CRAZY BLOOD-SUCKERS – This notion that a 118-year-old vampire would be smitten with a 17-year-old girl is ridiculous and seriously undermines the vamp’s integrity. Really? He’s lived through centuries yet that teen playing with her hair at the mall really turns his vampiric crank? Dracula should confine his obsessions to mature women with experiences beyond looking wistful while texting:
VAMPIRES AS MODEL CITIZENS – I’m tired of vampires having jobs or hanging out in the community. Doctors? Waitresses? High school students? Would a vampire really sit through Trig class just to convince folks he’s normal? No. He’d lay waste to those pitiful humans…
I’m worried the new Dracula mentions the period drama The Tudors as an inspiration. It’s a good show, but they’re not suggesting Dracula is going to participate in drawing room double crosses, and political shenanigans, are they? He’s the Spawn of Satan! Vlad The Impaler! He drinks blood! He doesn’t engage in political discourse or paper work:
FAST-MOVING VAMPIRES – Dracula is not The Flash. He can move fast, yes, but can we stop speeding up the camera as he crosses the room to grab you? Are you listening, True Blood? I don’t think you are:
What happened to just flying? He’s a bat, right? Or how about no special speed powers at all? Bela Lugosi crossed a room with style. He wasn’t in a hurry. He had mesmerizing powers in his eyes and fingers. He had no need for speed:
RENFIELD – I miss him. The loyal, twitchy, fly-eating, half-vampire slave sidekick hasn’t been seen since Tom Waits essayed him 20 years ago in Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula redo. He’s a great character and a constant reminder of just how disturbing and crappy this vampire world can be. Being a vampire – even a half vampire – can suck. Renfield reminds us of that:
ONE BIG ASS CASTLE – Vampires should never live in apartments, southern swamp towns or, gasp, the suburbs. That’s just wrong. Though I will give Fright Night’s Colin Farrell credit for being one mean suburban blood-sucker:
The Count needs an ancient castle. He’s Dracula. He needs his space. His bachelor pad should be spooky, drafty and lightly furnished with weird, spider-like velvet chairs, wooden globes, and a cobweb-filled dungeon crypt. As much as I thought the Hammer versions of Dracula were slow, they really got the backdrop right:
CRAZY ACCENT – Nothing says “vampire” like that crazy Transylvanian accent. It’s exotic, pretty impenetrable at times, but awesome. For Bela Lugosi, it just came natural:
